Today Sucks

Just a warning, this is not pretty so if you were expecting something upbeat...sorry.


I've been talking a lot about the physical side of infertility and IVF, but the worst part by far is the emotional roller coaster you go through daily. Right now is the time where I struggle to stay positive, and sometimes even hold it together at all. Up until today I felt fairly positive and upbeat, but now I feel like I am doomed and I'm having a hard time making it through this. Today I feel like hope is a nasty 4 letter word, that when I hear someone tell me to have hope I want to gag. When you have been through many failures and devastating disappointments it truly feels like it's never going to happen.
I go through the "why me's" and the "it's not fair". But it is really pointless. This is the hand we have be dealt, and we have chosen to proceed the way we have. Most of the time I can handle the stress, but everyone has their breaking point and I am close to mine. I just keeping telling myself that good or bad we will know on Saturday, and there is nothing I can do now to change the outcome. So, Saturday will either be the best day of my life, or another shitty one in the infertility land.